Hi all, I secretly used dating apps behind my girlfriend's back at the start of our relationship. Ask Me Anything

May 18, 2017

I met a very lovely woman who I love to the moon way back in october and back, however I flirted on dating apps behind her back the first three months we were togther. Ask me anything to hear how we are now, what I was doing, how she found out, things I did to reasure her, things I am doing to help her etc 

ThatBoyTheGemini says:

This AMA will end May 22, 2017 12PM EDT

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Was there a specific incident that caused you to stop?

May 19, 11:13PM EDT0

Would you regret it if you lost her because of it?

May 19, 3:15PM EDT0

Did it make you more likely to stay or more likely to leave your girlfriend?

May 19, 5:20AM EDT0

Would you have any interest in an open relationship?

May 18, 11:33AM EDT0

Not at all - an open relationship though works for other people is something that i am not interested in - never been in one and i dont think i ever will. i think my girlfriend would kill me if i told her i am interested in one 

May 18, 11:45AM EDT0

Was there anyone particularly interesting you met during this?

May 18, 10:56AM EDT0

Yes - i bumped into a few that captured my eye but we didnt go as far as meeting but did we speak about meeting one day at that time? yes we did - we did speak about it on a few occassion and one of them invited me to birthday party - i didnt go - i fell ill on the day - which kinda saved my skin because my girlfriend told me that if i had attended that party we would have been over

May 18, 11:31AM EDT0

Do you think she has ever done anything like that to you?

May 18, 1:30AM EDT1

No, she has never done anything like that to me - she ditched every single guy who approached her for me and this is what makes what i did to her worse. Instead of doing the same thing for her, i continued to flirt and present myself like i have no one. it is my fault 100% for taking her for granted - 

May 18, 4:14AM EDT1
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Do you ever plan on telling your girlfriend about it?

May 17, 7:39PM EDT1

She knows about it, one of her close friends created a fake account on one of the dating apps i was using and messaged me. As i spoke to her, she screen grabbed the whole convo we were having and sent it to my girlfriend who sent it to me on whatsapp. There was no way i could say "thats not me". 

May 18, 3:56AM EDT1
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Do you feel guilty about what you did?

May 17, 2:18PM EDT1

With the way act on occasons like this - most women believe that we men dont care - we are not bothered or feel any guilt - i will be the first to say I feel guity every passing day - there has never been a day that goes by without me feeling guilty for treating her like because i deeply love her  - all she asked me for was honesty, love and loyalty. Those are the three things she wanted from me back then and they are the three things she asks for to this day. 

May 17, 6:07PM EDT0
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What was the most interesting date you went on?

May 17, 1:00PM EDT0

Things didnt go as far as me taking any of them on a day - my lady told me that if i had met any of them and took them on a date we would have been over - she would not have stuck around so i didnt go on a date with the women i flirted with but as for my girlfriend we have had some interesting date

May 17, 7:41PM EDT0

Did you slow down or stop as the relationship became more serious?

May 17, 9:48AM EDT0

We were guadually getting serious while i was still using the apps so things didnt slow down or stop - its just me being stupid and taking a good woman for granted thinking i have her but can still flirt with others -This incident when it all came out made us both stronger -  and we are still strong many months later - the thing that suffered the most was the trust - I am still this day repairing the cracks the whole thing caused

May 17, 12:08PM EDT0

How long did this period of dating others last?

May 17, 9:14AM EDT0

I scretly spoke to these women for three months - we flirted alot which is something you shouldnt be doing if you have a woman -  we spoke of meeting at some point etc eventhough things didnt get physcial - i still betrayed her trust because she side stepped every guy that came to her just for me and i feel bad to this day that i didnt do the same at the same - things are alot better now

May 17, 12:05PM EDT0

Would you ever date anyone who you knew had done that?

May 17, 7:10AM EDT0

Thats a very interesting question - I would date them as long as they are not doing it, we spoke about it and they assured me it is not happening. The thing that saved me in some way and why my girlfriend is still with me is because i didnt get physical or met any of these women but it still doesnt take away the fact that what i did to my girlfriend is absolutely terrible - no one should do that to the woman they love - she was going to leave but her brother is the one who told her not to leave me and stuck up for me because he was in a similar situation with his wife years ago.

May 17, 8:44AM EDT0

Have you and your girlfriend ever discussed an open relationship?

May 16, 8:56PM EDT1

We have spoken about an open relationship before yes but that is something that is not for us - none of us is open to the idea of having multiple partners - she want to be the ONLY one and i feel the same - i want to be the only one - it works for some people but i dont think it would work for us - i want her to myself and she wants me to herself so we are kinda selfish there so yeah we spoke and it is not an option, i would be surprised if she came to me and said she wanted an open relationship

May 17, 3:57AM EDT1
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Have you told your friends or family about this?

May 16, 7:57PM EDT1

I have told my friends about it and they dont look at me the same - they absolutely made it clear to me that such actions are not right at all and should never have done that to her. I was going to tell my family too but my girlfriend is the one who stopped me from doing that - i have two older sisters and two younger brothers, i know they would not take it well if i told them of what happened. I do not want to go against my lady's wishes so i havent told my family but when the scars are healed fully i will open up to them and tell them how i treated her

May 17, 3:49AM EDT1
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Did it affect your relationship with your girlfriend?

May 16, 7:39PM EDT0

It affected the trust which i dont blame her and i know that earning her trust back fully again will take time - the wounds are still there even tho its been 6 months - she is scared i might be tempted to do this again thats her biggest fear but i do everything i can to reasure her that is not the case - She knows i would never run off and be physical with another woman - she is more scared about what i do on my screen when she is not around.

May 17, 3:37AM EDT0

If you found out she had done the same thing, how would you feel?

May 16, 3:47PM EDT0

She asked me that and I would be lying if i said to you i would be fine with it and wouldnt have a problem because thats not true - I honestly would be just as gutted as she was thats for sure -  she also said to me that i would have called her every word under the sun from a slut, hoe etc women in my opinion get alot of stick from society if they have multiple men in their life compared to guys - it is not a good idea to have multiple partners in your live and its a horrible idea to use dating apps when you have someone or building something with someone 

May 16, 5:36PM EDT0

Would you do it again, knowing you were possibly risking your relationship?

May 16, 3:29PM EDT1

My days of using dating apps and flirting are over - I dont want to put her through hell again -  i dont think she can take another dagger to the heart like that - hearing her in tears over this changed me as a person - the pain in her voice on the day she found out is something i will never forget - i just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me - it hurt me hearing her in such a state - We are still building the trust back even though this happened 6 months ago - even if it takes forever i will do what i can to help her cope with what i did and trust me - so doing this again would be madness

May 16, 5:22PM EDT1
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Did these people care if they found out you had a girlfriend?

May 16, 2:51PM EDT1

These women didnt know i had a woman already when i was chatting with them so it is hard to tell if they would have cared if they knew but i think they would be upset knowning i was flirting with them while i had someone else - The person to blame for all this is me - i should have deleted the apps sooner rather than wait for disaster to happen - it pains me knowing i crushed her heart - she did not deserve that

May 16, 5:11PM EDT1
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Has it ever made you consider yourself someone you would not want to date?

May 16, 2:04PM EDT0

There is actually a quote which says goes along the lines of "Be the type of man you would like your sister to be with" - and my actions ofcourse made me see myself as someone who isnt fit to date anyone till i fix up. I have 2 older sisters and i wouldnt want a man to treat them like i did her - I didnt sleep a wink the day she found out - I got my act together -deleted all the apps and started building the bridge i destroyed

May 16, 2:37PM EDT0

Do you find that it is hard to trust others?

May 16, 1:27PM EDT2

Because of the things that are happening around us and we see how others are being treated, it is hard to fully trust anyone at first, each person has do things to earn the trust of another over a period of time ans since we all edgy it is hard to get someone to trust you or you to trust someone - When it comes to relationships, with the numbers of people cheating increasing since the introduction of dating apps and social media apps - it is harder to trust someone now than 10 years ago because we dont know what they are doing on screen till we see it ourselves

May 16, 2:22PM EDT1
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Did you do any non-traditional dating during the time?

May 16, 12:52PM EDT1

Nop - I mainly did it on the apps - i only let her see what i wanted her to see on my phone because i knew she wouldnt be happy seeing women from dating sites messaging me - i disabled notifications when we were around each other, hid the app from the home screen - just so she couldnt see any messgaes pop up

May 16, 2:27PM EDT1
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If you knew your girlfriend would have been okay with it, would you have told her?

May 16, 12:09PM EDT0

Yes i would have told her if i knew she would be ok with it - but I hid it from her because i knew she wouldnt be happy - I thought i wouldnt be found out, i can carry on and then stop eventually. The incident has left an emotional scar on her, she lost confidence in herself because she thought she wasnt good enough for me, she lost trust in me - this incident though bad has brought us closer 

May 16, 1:06PM EDT0

Did it give you any extra perspective on your relationship?

May 16, 11:54AM EDT0

Yes -  I learned that when you have a good woman in your life, cherish her, dont mess around and make her think she is good enough -When I was doing this - I know i will never fully understand her pain but she has done her best to make understand what she felt - all I can do is not put her in that situation again

May 16, 1:49PM EDT0

Did it in any way help you value your girlfriend more?

May 16, 11:47AM EDT0

Yes it made me realise i almost lost a woman who loves me endlessly over being silly and stupid. Even though months have past and i am not doing this anymore she still fears i might be tempted to do this again - i see it in her eyes and it is all up to me to make sure we dont have to go through this again

May 16, 12:56PM EDT1


May 16, 10:20AM EDT0

Hello there

May 16, 10:42AM EDT0

Was there any spite at the cause of your actions?

May 16, 9:31AM EDT0

Not at all, I was looking at as abit of fun on the side plus a back up to if things go south with my girlfriend - i have options to pick from and take things to another level which was mean - if i could turn back the clock believe i would because i broke her in pieces when she found out

May 16, 10:39AM EDT0

Did you tell the other people that you were dating someone already?

May 16, 8:18AM EDT1

No i didnt - i made myself to appear single to them while i had my girlfriend which makes my situation worse. I wanted to have other options to fall back to in case things didnt work out with my girlfriend. It is not the other women's fault, it is entirely my fault for not cutting them off

May 16, 8:52AM EDT1
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How many other people did you date during your relationship?

May 16, 7:07AM EDT0

I didnt date or get physcial with any of the women - we spoke and flirted alot - I didnt go the extra step - i know that if things went further than they did, she would have dumped me. I admire her strength she had to put up with her friends telling her to dump me but she stuck with me because she saw i was affected by the whole thing too - thats what saved me - she saw how sorry i was - she told me if i didnt show any sign of remorse for it she would have walked

May 16, 7:32AM EDT0

Did you do it because you were just enjoying yourself?

May 16, 6:47AM EDT0

Yes - I knew i wasnt going to be with any of them relationship wise but did it for fun on the side which is wrong - it should never be done especially if you are building something with someone - I was a flirt

May 16, 7:22AM EDT0

Hi, this is kind of personal, but do you ever felt guilty or something? I'm just really curious with cases like this. 

May 16, 4:17AM EDT1

This is a true story so i thought i share it - I wake up with guilt every day till now because the things that were meant only for her, i shared them with other women like my time, attention, comments - she felt betrayed and not good enough- it was very stupid of me to do at the time. I dont think the guilt will ever leave me - it will always be there

May 16, 5:41AM EDT1
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Do you think she would have broken up with you if she knew?

May 16, 4:01AM EDT1

Yes - she would have left me in a heart beat i have no doubt about that because she would have been crushed, but not letting her find out i was doing this i thought i was protecting her, but in really i ended up harming her in the worst way

May 16, 5:51AM EDT1

Were there ever any close calls with your girlfriend finding out?

May 16, 3:42AM EDT1

Not at all because when we were around each other i made sure i didnt open the dating apps around her or any message from other women when they popped up. I did everything i could to make sure she never saw any message from those women because i know she would walk away if she saw other women messages on my phone

May 16, 5:37AM EDT1
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Would you recommend doing it to others in a serious relationship?"

May 16, 2:50AM EDT1

Secretly chatting with other men/women behind the back of the person you love is not good at all - I should have told her about these women but i kept it hidden - when she found out i was doing it and i admitted to it on the phone- she broke down and cried for the entire duration of the call - it crushed me hearing her in tears, you can ask any man who is madly in love with a woman what it like hearing a woman he loves in tears because of his actions - he will no doubt say it doesnt make plensant hearing and I felt like a pile of faeces thats just been steped on (excuse my language)

May 16, 5:58AM EDT1

Is there a chance you will do it again in the future?

May 16, 2:31AM EDT1

Absolutely no chance because even though i didnt get physical with any of the women i spoke to during that time, i betrayed what we were building at that time, i cant do that to her ever again because i love her

May 16, 5:35AM EDT1
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How serious was the relationship at the time you did this?

May 15, 10:57PM EDT0

We were building up to something serious, in my mind i always knew that she is the one but there was a part of me that wasnt sure so i thought i will explore my options just in case we dont get serious which was stupid 

May 16, 6:01AM EDT0

Did you seek out people very different or very similar to your girlfriend?

May 15, 10:51PM EDT1

i spoke to different types of women, some similar to my girlfriend and some not. if i saw a woman on the apps that caught my eye i would try to get into a convo with them. 

May 16, 6:18AM EDT1

Was there a specific incident that caused you to stop?

May 15, 9:33PM EDT0

Yes, One of my girlfriend's closest friends created a noob account and baited me - she screen grabbed the convo we were having and sent it to my girlfriend who then sent it to me on whatsapp and clearly showed me and then she called me a few seconds later - hearing her cry over the phone destroyed me.

May 16, 6:08AM EDT0